Young Evangelical Takes It in the Heart Instead of in the Ass

He was young.  He was Christian and Evangelical.  He was Virginal.  And he wanted to Get Laid in the most desperate way, I've concluded.  And religion was the outlet for acting out this desperation.  Superficially, he appeared feverish with Christian fervor and evangelism was an accessible means of acting out.  There are lots of misguided evangelicals out there as it's an easy club to join; in fact, it's a big business.  But for all the requirements of evangelical christianity meaning one has to get out there and Spread the Word, its members usually stick to friendly waters.  That was the Young Christian's big mistake, and getting there by canoe, no less.  Jesus wants his followers to obey the law, even if it's imposed by heathens like Hindoos.  Another mistake, young man. 

If only Christians lived their Bible.  For a young virgin to want sex and to engage in sex is not a sin as described in the Ten Commandments.  There's some twaddle about adultery, but an unmarried virgin cannot commit adultery, simply by definition.  Oh why couldn't your Christian colleagues have steered you in the right direction?  A nice hygienic dick might have something for you.  Instead you broke with Jesus' teaching, broke the law with the idea of selling religion to a primitive people not interested in your message and hostile to your mere presence.  And it what language were you intending to spread the Gospel to these unwilling prospects? 

Oh, poor young virginal Christians everywhere, please...please Get Laid!

Did Trump's Spray-On Tan Fail?

It's not something anyone I know might be interested in, but evidently there are some decent spray on tans out there.  French fashion house Guerlain puts out something called a terra cotta bronzer, which sounds fabulous.  Whatever Trumpf is using to make himself look like an underbaked chicken, it should be no surprise that it wasn't up to a Paris autumn rain.  So it went that Trumpf may have feared his tan running down his face, and that wouldn't do,so appearances were canceled.  What to do?  Trumpkins should pitch in and have a shitload of Guerlain terra cotta bronzer sent over to the White House right now, but that probably won't happen.  Last I checked: Guerlain is still French.

GOP Gives Linzie Graham More Time to Butch It Up

Billy admits that he didn't realize how fast Trumpf would act to send Ole Miss Sessions slammin' back to Alabam.  One goddamned day after the Dems sealed the deal (tho it's still not over, it's good enuf as-is), Trumpf appointed what appears to be a big bald white con man to run the show at the Justice Department.  What gives?  Why not appoint the Confirmed Bachelor straight out?

Rumors swirling within conservative fag Republican circles suggest that the Confirmed Bachelor required more time to become acceptably macho for the job.  The unisexual name doesn't help...would that be Miss or Mr.?  And Billy disagrees that Southern accents are uniformly faggy.  He attributes that idea to the most famous Southern fag of all time, the great Truman Capote, and Tru's drug and drinking problems only exaggerated such.  But the Confirmed Bachelor went off the rails during the Kavanaugh hearings, sounding more like a Carolina spinster ranting against integrating her little niece's kindergarten class.  It didn't read well at all.  It was scary.  Is there an old Confederate hag in there, screaming to get out?  Somebody, do something.

And Billy surmises that the GOP has given up on locating some baritone babe to commit to 'stunt babe' status with the idea of making the Bachelor less Confirmed. 'Stunt Babe' is a term I never encountered during my time in the military.  I read it in Rich Merritt's 'Secrets of a Gay Marine Porn Star'...(while still on active duty, Rich performed in gay porn under the name of Danny Orlis, pretty ballsy I have to say)..where gaylena officers teamed with muff munchin' counterparts for the appearance of respectability.  Basically, it was a gay sham to keep reality under wraps.  These were career military officer types with a lot to lose.  The Confirmed Bachelor himself served honorably and so evidently understands how this game must be played.  No dice, Billy guesses.  People are too smart these days.  Besides, if he wanted to play the game, he'd have a stunt babe of his own by now.

But the butching up campaign goes on.  Republican bitches are whispering that Sarah Huckabee Sanders might be called in to give the Confirmed Bachelor some coaching on how to project a tough mannish snarl and how to master the extenuated run-on word salad responses to tough questions.

With that that big bald white dude barrelling his big rig towards the obvious roadblock, Billy guesses that Fox News will be called in to build up the Confirmed Bachelor as acceptable as-is.